The Little Pieces of My Glass Heart

2011-08-18T18:16:00.003+08:00

this blog has been around for way too long. and now that i have nothing to write on it anymore, i think it is best if i let this blog go. farewell...

2011-08-16T19:48:00.000+08:00

i have so many things in my mind i could write about but i just dont know where to start...um..help?

2011-08-06T14:25:00.002+08:00

it's pretty much confirmed. they are going to take away my house for redevelopment. the more i see those prices of houses/condos online, the more i feel like crying. how am i supposed to cope with this? and my parents? they are going to retire soon. how are they going to cope? my sister hasnt even finished high school yet and her college fees comes up to nearly 60k. so many questions. so very little answers. so my laid back lifestyle is going to end soon.

2011-08-02T01:07:00.002+08:00

Why are guys such shallow creatures? Is there a point in your lives where you look beyond looks and consider the girl's heart instead?

I get it if you want a hot girlfriend if you are handsome, but most guys who wants those girls aren't even much to look at! Please look in the mirror before going around saying 'I want a hot girlfriend'. But even handsome guys who has this mentality turns me off. It just means they don't have a good heart. All in all I think it's just wrong. It's wrong to approach a girl only when she is pretty. And if the girl grows old and starts to have wrinkles...will you still love her? Are you going to leave her for someone younger?

And even if you don't consider the future...when you say things like that, did you even stop to think about average girls? Where does that put girls like me? Blended in the background, not to be seen at all?

why....

2011-07-29T13:54:00.004+08:00

i discovered something today and i am not sure if i like it. how did the situation get to this stage? i am more confused than ever. i am looking for evidence that all those words you wrote are about me. but at the same time i am also looking for proof that i wasn't the one you're writing about. truth is i dont know what i am looking for in you. maybe i have been seeing you too much lately. i wonder if you go through to same confusion too before you stopped everything. i lost your attention because i wasnt paying enough attention to yours. i miss having it.

2011-07-24T18:13:00.001+08:00

yes. this is exactly what i want you to hear.

2011-07-21T20:49:00.002+08:00

audio is a little bad...but hey, at least the video is watchable. this is the best song ever. brittana for the win!

i took my love and i took it down
i climbed a mountain and i turned around
and i saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
well, the landslide brought me down

oh, mirror in the sky, what is love
can the child within my heart rise above
can i sail through the changing ocean tides
can i handle the seasons of my life

uh uh... uh uh, uh uh....

well, i've been afraid of changin'
cause i've built my life around you
but time makes you bolder
children get older
and i'm getting older too
well

well, i've been afraid of changin'
cause i've built my life around you
but time makes you bolder
children get older
and i'm getting older too

well, i'm getting older too

so.. take this love and take it down
yeah, and if you climb a mountain and you turn around
and if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
well, the landslide brought it down

and if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
well maybe...
well maybe...
well maybe...
the landslide'll bring you down

they say....

2011-07-14T20:59:00.002+08:00

they say you can always judge how much you love someone by how much they can hurt you.

your 'whatever' and your i-don't-care-what-you-do tone hurt me more than anyone else's 'boring', 'stupid' and 'ugly'.

2011-07-12T23:10:00.003+08:00

What I often am: A last resort

The best I am to someone: A second choice on rare occasions

When have I been anybody's priority: Never

How do I feel now: Insignificant

i don't like being forgotten. i went through some of my old inbox messages on facebook and i noticed a pattern in the conversations i had with my high school friends. that none of them replied after my messages. i know i am being paranoid here but...if you're going to ignore me after i say something then please, don't bother including me in anything. it hurts to know that everyone is telling everyone else that they miss each other and the old times and i am never part of it. as far as i am concerned, i no longer want to have anything to do with high school, be it friends, events or memories. i can do with a little less pain and hurt in my life.

on the other hand, i wonder if you know that you're all that is on my mind right now? the more i think the more confused i get. i wonder what would happen if i really confronted you with my feelings. a few people are pushing me to tell you so i can get closure and suffer less. but i will suffer more if i heard the word 'no' from you. so i will keep it this way; live with the constant pain of wondering about 'what-if's.

2011-07-08T16:41:00.002+08:00

this is all i have to say at the point. my confusion is clouding everything.

2011-07-04T21:11:00.008+08:00

Heather Morris (who plays Brittany) and Naya Rivera (who plays Santana) has always been my favourite girls in Glee. Until now, I have always been a Brittana/HeMo & Naya shipper. I got quite frustrated at the end of season 2 when Brittany and Santana cleared their feelings up and became best friends again. But then this happened.

Blaine: Hi Santana what’s going on?

Santana: Hi i just…[looks at Brittany] I heard that you wanted to kiss someone.. [points at Blaine] and you’re taken.

Santana: I’ll kiss you Britt.

Brittany: Okay i’ll close my eyes.

Blaine: Just do it.

Santana: Ready? One, two, three.

Brittany: I love her, bye.

Finally, just when I thought I wouldn't see it. A Brittana kiss. I can see Heather Morris being all nervous, jumpy and clenching her hands to grab the bottom of her shorts before the kiss. But it was so cute. Heather's little jump and Naya's smile at the end of it says it all. Oh oh, their hug too. =)

What would Heather's boyfriend say? Doesn't matter. I don't think that kiss meant anything to them. They are probably going to forget about it. It was just a crazy spontaneous act that they will be laughing at years from now. I can imagine the conversation.

Heather: Hey remember the time when you came on stage, surprised me and we made a spontaneous act and ended up sharing a quick kiss?

Naya: Yeah that was crazy. But fun. Enjoyed it while it lasted.

Even though it may not mean a lot to them, it meant a lot for the Brittana fandom who has been dying to see the two characters together. And I wouldn't be suprised to see straight girls turning lesbian after being a fan of these two and seeing this video. LOL. I think I have half a mind to turn into one now. But no, I think I'll still keep guys in my view. =p

I couldn't be happier, I cannot stop smiling and nothing is going to ruin my day. =D

3rd of July, I will never forget the day the Brittana fandom died of happiness. Oh yeah and Klaine too. =)

2011-06-28T17:37:00.002+08:00

i havent thought about you in that sense for a long time. but i dont know why recently you drifted into my mind again.

occasionally i feel the need to call you in the middle of the night and tell you everything, all those moments i remember about you...about us.

there are times when i feel the urge to hold your hand when you walk too close to me.

those tiny and frequent moments i wished i could have a hug or someone to hold your face appears in my head.

the little gentlemanly things you do sticks to my mind and i find myself telling my friends about these little things you do. it makes them go 'aw'. and i like it when they think of you that way.

the problem is, i dont miss you when i dont see you. you dont give me butterflies in my stomach. you dont make me long for you day and night. my heart doesnt skip a beat or beats faster when i see you. when i come face to face with you, it seems to the world that we are really just friends.

i am terribly confused.

2011-06-17T15:39:00.001+08:00

i am so addicted to this song. quinn looks stunning as usual. =)

glee rocks.

time to vent

2011-06-16T23:45:00.002+08:00

i need time to myself. i need a chance to vent. i need to channel all everything out. no matter how hard i laugh or how wide my smile is during the day, nothing stops my thoughts from attacking me...in those few silent moments before i sleep. it's a torture. sighz.

grrrr

2011-06-08T01:27:00.002+08:00

this is frustrating. i had my facebook and msn hacked. the bloody idiot went and changed my password and security question. i had to set up two new emails just to get my facebook back. grrrr. and on top of that, now that i have a new hotmail address, a lot of people whom i have added appear online on my old account but offline on my new account. they claimed to never have received my invitation for the MSN add.

its either ebuddy's fault or the connections fault. sighz.

2011-06-06T12:11:00.002+08:00

one month has passed since i had my last paper. i have three months left to kill and i am beginning to wonder if should find a job to support myself. currently i keep hitting dead ends in my projects and helplessness is an inevitable feeling. i feel dumb. sighz.

and here it is...

2011-05-29T13:16:00.002+08:00

my favourite on-screen couple, heather morris and naya rivera. besties in real life too. they have so much chemistry. i am so addicted to glee. =p

i must find a friendship like theirs.

when it strikes

2011-05-25T14:42:00.002+08:00

loneliness. such a strong feeling i've been experiencing for most of my life. i'm not the kind of person who is always out and about, socializing with new people and attending parties. however, i have those rare moments where i just want to be out of the house and hang out with friends. today was one of those moment hit me and i found myself back home facing these four walls again. it hit me that i am actually someone who has very few friends and a very dead social life.

that's when the loneliness started to sink in and it got my kind of depressed. wondering why i turned out this way. sighz. i am so very alone at the moment.

tonight

2011-05-21T19:39:00.002+08:00

i think i will silently weep myself to sleep tonight.

2011-05-19T17:42:00.008+08:00

To the senior who managed to finally get rid of uni,

Now I know you don't like lengthy or wordy posts, so I'll make it as brief as possible and this is what I want to say:

1. Thanks. For all the help you've given me. No matter how insignificant you thought they were, they made a difference to me and that's all that counts.

2. Don't emo. You've had enough emoness throughout uni to last you a lifetime. Don't go around and emo about your job after this. In fact, don't emo over anything at all. =p

3. As awkward as it may sound, I'm going to miss you. I know you're probably going to MSN me and say "Don't miss me =p" but that's how I am. I will always miss friends who are going away, especially if they mattered to me. So yeah. I am going to miss seeing you around here (yeah i know you hate this place, don't remind me =/ ).

This is created for you. It's a little simple and terrible but oh wellz. All I want you to read is the fine print at the bottom. =p

driven by madness

2011-05-15T01:41:00.001+08:00

Disorder	Your Score
Major Depression:	High
Dysthymia:	High-Moderate
Bipolar Disorder:	High
Cyclothymia:	High
Seasonal Affective Disorder:	High
Postpartum Depression:	N/A
Take the Depression Test

i have just taken a depression test and my results are pretty...hm..obvious. so, am i really that crazy now?

10 myths about introverts

2011-05-07T22:45:00.004+08:00

Myth #1 – Introverts don’t like to talk.

This is not true. Introverts just don’t talk unless they have something to say. They hate small talk. Get an introvert talking about something they are interested in, and they won’t shut up for days.

Myth #2 – Introverts are shy.

Shyness has nothing to do with being an Introvert. Introverts are not necessarily afraid of people. What they need is a reason to interact. They don’t interact for the sake of interacting. If you want to talk to an Introvert, just start talking. Don’t worry about being polite.

Myth #3 – Introverts are rude.

Introverts often don’t see a reason for beating around the bush with social pleasantries. They want everyone to just be real and honest. Unfortunately, this is not acceptable in most settings, so Introverts can feel a lot of pressure to fit in, which they find exhausting.

Myth #4 – Introverts don’t like people.

On the contrary, Introverts intensely value the few friends they have. They can count their close friends on one hand. If you are lucky enough for an introvert to consider you a friend, you probably have a loyal ally for life. Once you have earned their respect as being a person of substance, you’re in.

Myth #5 – Introverts don’t like to go out in public.

Nonsense. Introverts just don’t like to go out in public FOR AS LONG. They also like to avoid the complications that are involved in public activities. They take in data and experiences very quickly, and as a result, don’t need to be there for long to “get it.” They’re ready to go home, recharge, and process it all. In fact, recharging is absolutely crucial for Introverts.

Myth #6 – Introverts always want to be alone.

Introverts are perfectly comfortable with their own thoughts. They think a lot. They daydream. They like to have problems to work on, puzzles to solve. But they can also get incredibly lonely if they don’t have anyone to share their discoveries with. They crave an authentic and sincere connection with ONE PERSON at a time.

Myth #7 – Introverts are weird.

Introverts are often individualists. They don’t follow the crowd. They’d prefer to be valued for their novel ways of living. They think for themselves and because of that, they often challenge the norm. They don’t make most decisions based on what is popular or trendy.

Myth #8 – Introverts are aloof nerds.

Introverts are people who primarily look inward, paying close attention to their thoughts and emotions. It’s not that they are incapable of paying attention to what is going on around them, it’s just that their inner world is much more stimulating and rewarding to them.

Myth #9 – Introverts don’t know how to relax and have fun.

Introverts typically relax at home or in nature, not in busy public places. Introverts are not thrill seekers and adrenaline junkies. If there is too much talking and noise going on, they shut down. Their brains are too sensitive to the neurotransmitter called Dopamine. Introverts and Extroverts have different dominant neuro-pathways. Just look it up.

Myth #10 – Introverts can fix themselves and become Extroverts.

Introverts cannot “fix themselves” and deserve respect for their natural temperament and contributions to the human race. In fact, one study (Silverman, 1986) showed that the percentage of Introverts increases with IQ.

I think I can really hug the author of this article right now. Most times I feel so misunderstood. When I sink into one of my silent moments, most of my friends will jump to the conclusion:

She's just being emo/She's troubled but not willing to talk about it/She's just having a bad day.

And there are brief moments when I feel that there really is something wrong with me. Like I have some sort of a social syndrome that most of my friends don't really have.

After reading this it feels as if someone has cleared my name, providing justification to my silence, to my reluctance when it comes to meeting new people or going to parties.

Well, I always knew I was an introvert but I thought it was clearly a phase. But I think that last myth proved me wrong. I will always be this way. Destined to be socially awkward. Doomed to live through lonely nights.

i will not change for anybody unless that person is worth changing for. at least i will try.

oh yeah!

2011-05-07T17:11:00.002+08:00

FREE AT LAST!

but i'm not used to having to much free time. i think i say that at the beginning of every semester break so far. =p

i'm trying to learn how to make typographies with tumblr. nothing fancy. just simple stuff. so i better get started now.

my heart says:

2011-05-02T23:21:00.001+08:00

all i want is someone who will stay, no matter how hard it is to be with me.

lately...

2011-04-25T20:12:00.003+08:00

tomorrow is my first paper for this semester's finals. to be honest, i really haven't been touching my books much. and when i do, nothing goes into my head. my passion for knowledge...is getting more and more diluted with each passing semester. i have got four more to go...and by the time I graduate, i don't think i'd have any interest left in anything educational. sighz.

so the only highlight of the past few days is the announcement of carry marks. and then my coursemates found out that one guy has been playing the role of teacher's pet, causing us to have our marks deducted. had a brief moment of verbal stabbing on facebook. it was fun. but then there is absolutely nothing we can do about it now.

two marks has been deducted for not attending ONE lecture on the final week. it wasn't fair to me, that day was only my second time skipping the class. what about people who have skipped lectures frequently through the semester? it is so unfair for me to get punished this way. 2 marks deducted for missing 3 hours of lecture throughout the semester. >=(

anyways, like i said, seeing my low carry marks is demoralizing. there is no motivation left for me now. sobs.

of all my secrets...

2011-04-23T20:10:00.002+08:00

this is the story of my life. filled with secrets and untold truths. sobs.

lazier?

2011-04-20T01:12:00.003+08:00

yeah the image got that right. sighz. it's study week now and i am not getting anything in my head. to make things worse, most of my lecturers plan to make the finals hard for us because of our high carry marks. why is life so hard. first i was drowning in assignments, now i am drowning in books. bleh. i am sleepy. i dont feel like studying. studying can come later. toodles.

random snippet

2011-04-12T10:26:00.003+08:00

so i was talking to a friend through MSN the other day...the conversation was very typical. as usual we caught up with each other on our lives, especially the personal one.

friend: so why are you still single? i know you like being independent and alone and all that but still...wouldn't you want to give someone a chance? not every guy is like the last one you're with....

heart: do you really think i prefer to live my life this way? i just haven't found anyone who is willing to open my heart up yet. and i am getting tired of being independent. i want someone to have my back whenever i have my weak moments.

me: yeah well. life's like that. what to do?

friend: but you're MSN PMs indicate you're having a crush on someone, at least that's what i gathered...so...any story you want to tell me?

heart: i don't know. there is this huge mess of signals in my head. i don't know how i feel about him. or how he feels about me. he cared for a very brief period of time but not anymore. long story short, i guess it just wasn't meant to be....

me: nah. you know how emo i am right. i just post this stuff to keep my reputation up.

friend: such an emo freak. no wonder no one would come near you. you're a cloud of rain. guys like happy girls. so cheer up and you might just land yourself someone.

me: yeah? but it's hard to change. since i've been like this for as long as i can remember. besides, i want someone to like me for who i am.

heart: you say being emo is the reason why i am still single? but i emo because i am still single! so which knot do i untie first?

friend: then you better find someone who is as emo as you are then. you two would be a match made in heaven.

heart: well, i did find someone who is almost like me.. but like i said, he stopped caring after a while.

me: lolz. i don't care if he's emo or not. i just want him to be a simple guy who makes me happy.

friend: good luck then. i really hope you'll find someone in the near future. then we could do a double date.

heart: fat chance of that happening. i'm forever alone.

me: anytime you want to double date just tell me then. i'll just grab any guy off the streets. lolz.

friend: sure. you'll never know when you've just picked up your prince charming.

the conversation went on for quite a while after that but we moved on from this topic. but this conversation stuck in my head because my heart was speaking so loud i could hardly ignore it. sighz. but the fact that i can lie so perfectly...hit me quite hard.

i want people to know what my heart thinks. but i don't want to tell people. so unless people around me develop a psychic ability to read minds/hearts...all these words will stay hidden, until they read it off here. sobs.

sighzzzzz

2011-04-02T21:36:00.002+08:00

ugh. currently in ipoh. ate a huge dinner. followed by a lot of chinese tea. and then nearly half a durian. my stomach feels funny. and i can feel the fats building up on my tummy, legs, arms, face, etc etc...

usually weekends are good times for me to recharge, but not this week because of my quick and time-constrained visit to ipoh. and of all weeks, not having my recharge this week feels worse because this week has been exceptionally hectic for me. next two weeks will be hell, mark my word. sobs.

i feel so helpless. it's like i was borned again yesterday and i have no knowledge of anything around me. everyone seems to be having good progress in studies, relationships, friendships and what not while i am sitting here whining about not getting enough rest. sighz.

sometimes...

2011-03-24T19:55:00.003+08:00

i just want somebody to be there for me when i am not at my best. i have been there for a lot of people, so how come no one is here for me?

what?!

2011-03-17T21:09:00.001+08:00

how on earth did i get so busy all of a sudden. grrrr. why so hectic. i cannot wait to get rid of studies and pointless work.

and so I...

2011-03-11T00:20:00.003+08:00

spent yesterday night wetting my pillow before i sleep. seriously for the past few days the tears fall so easily. someone brought my old fear back to life. i dont know if they know how much i hate being forgotten. yes, i know it wasnt intentional, if it was then it wouldnt be called forgetting, it would be called isolating. but i'd rather have people isolating me than forgetting me. at least when they isolate me, i'd have a reason to be mad at them. but the reason for their actions were simple, they forgot. and that hurts even more because it feels as if i am not good enough to be remembered and i'd still have to face them at the end of the day, pretending i'm okay.

so, am i just someone you'd recall when you need a helping hand? or a reminder? i know i may not be perfect but i am only human and i have feelings too. this has been such a huge let down. i am so disappointed. i am so upset. this is why sometimes i shy away from people. at least i know i wont get hurt.

suddenly

2011-03-06T12:05:00.002+08:00

sighz. tumblr is so addictive, it's making me ignore all the thing i'm supposed to be doing.

so so true...

2011-03-05T10:12:00.002+08:00

We were supposed to create the perfect crime.

I steal your heart and you steal mine.

But there has been a flaw in the plan.

You kept your heart and murdered mine.

This is so true. I got this off someone I followed on Tumblr but I wanted to limit my Tumblr posts cause it's going to flood my friends' news feeds. So I decided to put it here instead.

and i turn 22

2011-03-01T21:33:00.008+08:00

so yeah, i turn twenty two today. my initial plan was to just hide in my rented room and watch movies all day long without anyone knowing or remembering. but the bunch of girls in my course did remember, and got me to go out for a karaoke session. right smack in the middle of the singing a cake appear from the door and the thing is, i was so shocked i couldn't even remember what happened next. all i can recall is that we took some pictures and then went on singing.

we had a Rainie Yang 杨丞琳 marathon. which i enjoyed very very very much.

but the song selections at that karaoke center were quite limited, but it's fine. i enjoyed myself throughout the session. =)

and then i came back from to find a mini feast in front of me. my mom really bought a lot of food. there goes my diet. sighz. i am supposed to be losing weight, but i think lately i have been gaining like crazy. sobs. i want to be slim. but overall, it hasbee a good day for me, i enjoyed myself with my family and friends. love you all to bits now. lolz.

sighz. i never have good pictures.

p.s.:

i remember what you did for my last birthday. although it was not much, but you were the first to show a personal touch to your wish. and you got my heart then. this time around, i waited for something to arrive, but it just didn't. and i don't know why i felt disappointed. i've told myself to stop thinking about you, that the concept of 'us' is not possible since you've seem to found someone else to keep in your heart. i guess all i can do now is nothing.

weekend!

2011-02-25T15:07:00.002+08:00

phew. it has been a long week, entertainment-wise. watched three horror flicks with the girls,
and then another two at night, alone! lolz. watching scary movies alone is fun. no distracting screams from the girls or talking during the movies. i blasted the headphones and switched off the light. imagine the rush. =p

but this weekend should be a good one since i don't have work that happens to be terribly backlogged. =) happy weekend.

why?

2011-02-23T00:32:00.002+08:00

为什么你要这样对我？我等了那么久，才知道原来我在你心里是没有地位的。

i don't know if i should be laughing or crying. you treat me like the air, like i am a nobody to you. should i be jealous now? i am scared of rejection. i don't ever want to reveal my feelings to you just to hear you say i was never in your heart to begin with. so tell me what am i to do?

of slumber parties and pillow talks

2011-02-19T14:09:00.002+08:00

phew. it has been a long week. thank goodness that the weekend is finally here. had a sleepover at wenz's place yesterday with the girls, in conjunction with the end of our test 1. speaking of test 1, i think i did terribly this time around. made countless mistakes that could have been avoided if i had paid more attention to what i was doing. sighz. so emo. although i dont think failing is in the cards for me, but its just so frustrating knowing that my results could be better. i don't like this. sighz.

getting back to the topic, the sleepover was fun, went for dinner and a movie in the cinemas, then over to wen'z house for another movie and to 'enjoy' a bottle of black label, to be honest, drinking is no longer an enjoyable experience for me, since my alcohol tolerance has gone down to zero in the past few years. but i loved the pillow talk, i can't help but think that i let something slip out with the alcohol in my system. let's hope no one remembers it. but thanks to wenz for her hospitality while we were crashin her house.

now that that's over, i think it's time to haul my lazy ass up and to do some work. sighz. i hate this.

valentine's schmalentine's

2011-02-14T20:35:00.006+08:00

today is valentine's day. while a lot of my friends are out enjoying a special night out with their significant others, i am home eating dinner on my own. how sad right. i wished you were here with me tonight. 好希望你能陪我一起过今年情人节。well, i think it's a little too late to hope for that don't you think? i hope next year i wont be celebrating it alone. or even if i do, i hope i wont be still waiting for you. here's another sad song to go with my mood (and to some other singles i know who are feeling bitter about not having a loved one with you today).

i'm feeling too lazy to post up the lyrics. anyways, it's the title of the song that matters.

yeah. happy valentine's day. but on the other hand, i can't wait for it to be over.

valentine's? yeah right...

2011-02-11T21:27:00.005+08:00

so valentine's day is coming again in a few days. and like the past few years, i will be spending it alone, thinking of...and waiting for someone...

it's been over a year. haven't i been obvious enough? i'm getting tired of this wait. but i don't even know why i held on for so long.

Chinese Lyrics:

爱你是全身麻醉的手术
微弱的心电图因为你而起起伏伏

只要一点点人类的温度
我就能被征服我愿赌就愿意服输

可是我心里有数
我不是你的回忆录
只是你的未知数

我翻了又翻你给的地图
却一直找不到我的归宿
也许开始太仓促才迷了路
为没有结果的结果盲目

我等了又等梦见的幸福
却永远只是你一根肋骨
我终于恍然大悟不再上诉
只怪自己爱上的是一个冷血动物

就算我变成一个拳击手
我也下不了手总不能找自己报仇

就算我干了这手生啤酒
我也没有对手我也不能对你反驳

我们像两个宇宙
我自甘着我的堕落
你一无你的所有

我翻了又翻你给的地图
却一直找不到我的归宿
也许开始太仓促才迷了路
为没有结果的结果盲目

我等了又等梦见的幸福
却永远只是你一根肋骨
我终于恍然大悟不再上诉
只怪自己爱上的是一个冷血动物

我哭得好累
想哭得很美
但哭得好痛

我翻了又翻你给的地图
却一直找不到我的归宿
也许开始太仓促才迷了路
为没有结果的结果盲目

我等了又等梦见的幸福
却永远只是你一根肋骨
我终于恍然大悟不再上诉
只怪自己爱上的是一个冷血动物

Translated Lyrics:

Loving you is like going for surgery, and being under anesthesia
The weak rhythms on the heart rate monitor,
fall and rise because of you

(I just) need to feel a little bit of human compassion (from you),
then I can be conquered,
If I'm willing to place my bets,
then I'm willing to lose the game

But I know in my heart,
I'm not (part of) your memoir,
I'm merely anonymous to you

I page and page through the map you gave me,
but I still can't find my place/home
Maybe I started out in a frenzy,
and lost my way
Blinded by this inconclusive resolution

I wait and wait for the happiness that I've dreamed about
But it's always been you
I finally understood the reasons, I no longer want an appeal
I can only blame myself,
for falling in love with a,
cold-blooded creature

Even if I became a boxer,
I wouldn't be able to lift a finger to hurt you
Surely I can't pull a revenge on myself

Even if I drink up all this beer,
I still won't have an opponent,
I can't retort against you

We are like two galaxies,
I wallow in my own fall,
and you have nothing at all to call your own

I page and page through the map you gave me,
but I still can't find my place/home
Maybe I started out in a frenzy,
and lost my way
Blinded by this inconclusive resolution

I wait and wait for the happiness that I've dreamed about
But it's always been you
I finally understood the reasons, I no longer want an appeal
I can only blame myself,
for falling in love with a,
cold-blooded creature

I'm so tired of crying,
despite wanting to cry prettily,
but end up crying in pain

I page and page through the map you gave me,
but I still can't find my place/home
Maybe I started out in a frenzy,
and lost my way
Blinded by this inconclusive resolution

I wait and wait for the happiness that I've dreamed about
But it's always been you
I finally understood the reasons, I no longer want an appeal
I can only blame myself,
for falling in love with a,
cold-blooded creature

this song, like any other song i love, has some lines which i can relate to. and so far, this song best reflects my mood now. lyrics courtesy of J-pop Asia .

oh wellz. like i said, lonely valentine's coming up. happy valentine's day to all the lovebirds out there. i hope you and your significant other will have a fairytale ending.

toodles.

rawr!!

2011-02-07T23:00:00.004+08:00

aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! i dont think i can take it anymore. now, every wednesday is the most torturous day of the semester. i hate him. so much so i that i feel like slapping him whenever he crosses my mind. he is such a freaking dominant workmate. but he never finishes his work on time, he is always finishing up his work at the very very last minute. fine. i get it. you're busy. you can do last minute work if and only if you're working alone. but can you let the people who work with you feel less stressed out? i am already anxious enough without your help. i just dont understand why can't you just take turns doing the report. i dont think i can take the pressure of doing things at the last minute the way you do. such a stubborn headed cow.

you have no idea how much i want this button to exist right now. i think if one day when i really cannot take it, i will just walk away from everything.

s.o.b.z.

2011-02-05T21:52:00.004+08:00

that is exactly how i feel now. today is the third day of the chinese new year, and i am already a cold war at home with my dad. so i've been locking myself in my room for most part of these two days. and the holidays are coming to an end, the tests are coming and i am fully unprepared for what is to come. i'm getting to tired. i just want to hide under my blanket and take a permanent nap. sobs.

oh noes

2011-01-27T21:07:00.005+08:00

oh no!!! chinese new year is just around the corner and i think mr. fever just found me. my whole body is heating up like a furnace and yet i feel like i'm stuck in an arctic wasteland. my nose is stuffed up and i cannot breathe. sobs.

i guess i can say that the holidays have started for me now, since my statistics class tomorrow is cancelled. yeay me! i am looking forward to like...10 hours of sleep a day. seriously, i dont know why i feel so sluggish lately. any free time i have i spend it sleeping. sometimes i would even sacrifice my meals just to sleep. anyways, enough of my rants. happy chinese new year to those who celebrates the joyous/noisy festival. =p

p.s.: and oh yeah, it's been too long since i last said this...i miss you. sometimes i wish you knew how i feel about you. i've been waiting for too long...too long...

chinese new year?

2011-01-24T23:14:00.002+08:00

oh yeah. chinese new year is coming. but i don't think this holidays would be enough for everyone. we have tests right after the holidays which means, the one week break it meant for studying instead of playing. sighz.

i want to take a year off and travel the world. backpacking across europe seems like a daring adventure. now if i only i have the money and a willing companion. anyone up for it? lolz.

[L]augh [O]ut [L]oud

2011-01-22T10:33:00.002+08:00

哈哈哈哈。。。丞琳，你真的太可爱啦！！永远支持你！！

lazy

2011-01-20T15:35:00.006+08:00

eee. when did i become so lazy? i have tonnes of work to finish. and here i am blogging. sighz.

i remembered before i entered university, i was always had a bit of passion in whatever i do, even though i hated that particular task. a few days before starting my course, i met a senior at an online forum who told me that a lot of students actually lose their interest by the second year of the course is over. i distinctly remember telling her that i am not someone who practices that habit and you know what? i think she was right at that time. so depressing.

but i am thankful to have found the friends i have in university now. i think they are the ones who tend to make it all better for me, even if it is a temporary cure. this small group of friends keeps me going strong everyday. my family, needless to say, has been there all the time. now, all that i am waiting for is a special someone to walk into my life.

boring afternoon

2011-01-14T14:13:00.003+08:00

it's friday afternoon. normally by this time i would be prepared for a enjoyable cruise through the highway and head home. this week is an exception though. i will be staying an extra night in my rented room and i have no classes for the rest of the day. my plans? movies, movies and more movies. i seriously don't know how else to spend a long day like this.

alrights then. i guess i am going to get started on my movie marathon then. whee. =D

好想。。。

2011-01-11T00:03:00.000+08:00

好想好想大哭一场。。。但是又哭不出！！

oh my geez

2011-01-09T12:15:00.007+08:00

first week of the new semester is officially over. this time around i have five heavy subjects to deal with. so i am guessing i wont have enough time to laze around. from next week onwards, my workload will slowly pile up and then by the time half the semester is gone, things will be terribly backlogged. sighz. i just hope i will be able to cope up with this ever-challenging life.

oh oh, and i hope this time around i will be able to handle my stress levels a little bit better. hopefully i can find someone who can make me forget about my worries whenever i talk. not easy to find though. sighz.

alrights. i think i have better things to do than to just crack my head thinking of what to write. toodles. before i sign out, one more thing i want to do:

yeah!! 杨丞琳！！ photos courtesy of Someone's Japanese Blog

fresh new wave

2011-01-02T16:37:00.005+08:00

yes, campus reopens tomorrow and i believe nobody is looking forward to it. now i know i may not have the right to complain about homesickness because i am just like...half an hour away from home.

but it's this distance that sets me apart from my counterparts who lives far away from their homes. since they do not get to go home on a weekly basis, they are compelled to join activities that are organized by the university to pass time and hence, get to know more friends and are more socially active than i am. which in turn means, they most probably wont feel as lonely as i do. or as frequently as i do. most of the friends i have lives in the hostel and i have chosen to move out because i needed privacy, so they have the advantage of crashing at a friend's room or chatting with their roommates to kill time or to banish the sense of loneliness. as for me, i have house mates who cannot be bothered with me, so i have to spend most of my weeknights at my rented house, half an hour away from home, hidden in my room, facing the four walls trying to conquer my feelings of detachment and the fear of it. sighz.

perhaps i ought to be a little less sad, a little less high strung and a little less quiet, i would be a lot happier than i am now. sobs.

the long wait

2010-12-26T17:11:00.005+08:00

Rainie Yang spent her Christmas in Hong Kong. The song in the video above is called Ideal Lover. Alright, I admit it, it isn't the best video of her live performance but what caught my attention was what she said within the first minute of the video. She said, "I also have not found my ideal lover."

Actually during recent interviews, she brought this topic up a few times on separate occasions saying she is still single and waiting for love to find her so that she doesn't have to celebrate Christmas alone (she feels that Christmas is more important than Valentine's Day for couples). I heard news saying that she has been keeping herself busy in order to distract herself from feeling lonely. Although she said it in a very light way, I have a feeling that deep down, it's really eating her up.

My message to Rainie:

我很了解你的感受。。。我也是在等待我理想情人。。。

那种孤单的感觉, 不是任何一个人都可以把他遣戍。。。

对，我有家人，有朋友，但是心里总是觉得缺少了一个很重要的人。。。

一个可以跟我分享开心或者不开心的日子的人。。。

可是，我相信我们总有一天会找到我们心目中的理想情人。。。

I can't believe I wrote such a long paragraph in chinese. Well, okay not very long but still, considering I've never really had any lessons/classes in chinese, it is an achievement for me. Yeay me!

Anyways, 2010 is really coming to an end. I don't know what to make of it. Bleh. Can I make a wish to go to Neverland and stay young forever? I don't like the responsibilities that come with age. Sighz.

unwanted countdown

2010-12-22T22:43:00.002+08:00

You'll never enjoy your life,
Living inside the box
You're so afraid of taking chances,
How you gonna reach the top?

Rules and regulations,
Force you to play it safe
Get rid of all the hesitation,
It's time for you to seize the daaay

Instead of just sitting around
And looking down on tomorrow
You gotta let your feet off the ground,
The time is now

I'm waiting, waiting, just waiting,
I'm waiting, waiting outside the lines
Waiting outside the lines
Waiting outside the lines

Try to have no regrets
Even if it's just tonight
How you gonnna walk ahead
If you keep living blind

Stuck in the same position,
You deserve so much more
There's a whole world around us,
Just waiting to be explored

Instead of just sitting around
And looking down on tomorrow
You gotta let your feet off the ground,
The time is now, just let it go

The world will force you to smile
I'm here to help you notice the rainbow
Cause I know,
What's in you is out there

I'm waiting, waiting, just waiting,
I'm waiting, waiting outside the lines
Waiting outside the lines
Waiting outside the lines

I'm trying to be patient (I'm trying to be patient)
The first step is the hardest (the hardest)
I know you can make it,
Go ahead and take it

I'm Waiting, waiting, just waiting I'm waiting
I'm waiting, waiting, just waiting
I'm waiting, waiting outside the lines
Waiting outside the lines
Waiting outside the lines

You'll never enjoy your life
Living inside the box
You're so afraid of taking chances,
How you gonna reach the top?

lolz. at first, i felt like posting something from rainie yang but then i decided not to bore people with her interviews and award-winning moments. i am so proud of her for picking up numerous awards, left right and center, one after another. =)

the clock is ticking. pretty soon i'd be back in campus rotting away all alone in my rented room. i've always felt lonely back there. although i tell people that i am someone who enjoys solitary moments, but most times...i just feel very...forsaken. sighz. i am so not looking forward to going back to campus.

what a bad day

2010-12-15T23:25:00.004+08:00

today has been a bad day. i made the same mistake twice and got called on it. my boss didn't really scream at me but she and i felt that it wasn't something that should have been done wrong. it was such a simple simple task and i managed to miss it. twice! when i left work today it feels like the whole world is watching me, wondering when my faulty step would occur next.

it's times like these i feel so disappointed with myself for not paying more attention to what my boss wants. she can be a perfectionist sometimes but my mistake was not being able to spot what she wanted. and when she told me exactly what she wanted, i still made the same error the second time i sent her the document. standing next to her i feel stupid and degraded. although she did not say it out loud, i know deep down she must be asking herself: how the hell does this girl get such good grades in studies but is unable to do complete a task that requires so little common sense?

in a way i think she is right to think so. my good grades are definitely a courtesy of my good memory. i end up memorizing almost everything i study. i don't think i have what it takes to survive this world.

photoshoot?

2010-12-11T08:09:00.003+08:00

So this is how the backstage of a photo shoot looks like. Quite different from the America's Next Top Model ones I've seen.

It's the weekend again and I've noticed that a lot of cool movies are hitting the screens. But it seems like I've got no one to go to the movies with. Sighz. Why are all my friends so far away. I guess I will have to watch them on DVD or something. However, there is one movie that I seriously have to watch in the theaters though. Paranormal Activity 2!!!!! I am waiting for you!!! I can't wait to get scared out of my wits. =p

eee

2010-12-07T14:11:00.004+08:00

Oooooh. Rainie Yang will be in Taiwan to celebrate the New Year! I want to be there! Lolz.

Time passes by too fast. 2011 is around the corner and it feels as if I have done nothing this year. I felt like I've wasted 2010. All I have been doing all year round is study and rot at home. Every new year I will be thinking of spending it differently compared to the last but every single damned year I fail. Hopefully 2011 will be a year of change and productivity.

PS: I still want to be emo though.

snooze fest

2010-11-30T15:48:00.008+08:00

this is such a snooze fest. two weeks into the holidays and i feel like a zombie already. i know i should be feeling elated to have no work/stress and be able to spend so much time at home. but so far my activites/events (or lack thereof) are not enough to keep me entertained. not much on the tv. i dont want to watch shows from my hd because that is how i spend time back in campus. and right now i do not need to be reminded of my campus life.

so what do i do? i end up getting more obsessed with rainie yang. lolz. rainie yang at the 45th golden bell awards 2010. =)

Same girl with less makeup or no make up. still looking gorgeous. in fact, i think prefer her without make up. =p

her poses can be so quirky at times. lolz. they say she has shed her cute image in the entertainment industry and is now more matured. but in my opinion, she is still living up to that cute image personally. XD

so yes. this is what i have been up to since my holidays started. other than the occasional dinners and movies with some of my old friends, my life has been revolving around her. help me. i need something to distract me from being completely obsessed with this girl. rawr.

now i have nothing to do. think i'm going to find something else to do before i go crazy. toodles.

PS: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE PICTURES OF RAINIE YANG IN MY POST. ALL PICTURES ARE COURTESY OF Rainie's fanpage on FB.

anti bieber

2010-11-23T12:11:00.003+08:00

i just found out about the winners of the american music awards. justin bieber picked up a lot of awards. i dont like that. he is such an overrated artist. nothing but a pretty face. but i suppose that is enough for some people. ugh.

alright. enough of bieber. i'm currently having my holidays. it's has only been exactly a week since my last paper and i am already bored out of my wits. most of my friends are no longer in the country. the ones who are still here are busy studying. sighz. i need a life.

rainie again.

2010-11-16T23:49:00.003+08:00

okay. i'm way too lazy and tired to find the lyrics for this song. but i love it as much as i love the the previous song i posted. i think this one is a lot newer, released earlier this year. lolz. anyways, i'm done with my final exam and i've officially ended my third semester. 5 more semesters to go before i graduate. let's hope i'll be strong enough to pull through this chapter of my life. =p

toodles.

rainie!!

2010-11-15T15:05:00.005+08:00

Chinese lyrics:

暧昧让人受尽委屈
找不到相爱的证据
何时该前进
何时该放弃
连拥抱都没有勇气

只能陪你到这里
毕竟有些事不可以
超过了友情
还不到爱情
远方就要下雨的风景

到底该不该哭泣
想太多是我还想你
我很不服气
也开始怀疑
眼前的人是不是同一个真实的你

暧昧让人受尽委屈
找不到相爱的证据
何时该前进
何时该放弃
连拥抱都没有勇气

暧昧让人变得贪心
直到等待失去意义
无奈我和你
写不出结局
放遗憾的美丽
停在这里

woh~ woh~ woh~ ooh~ ah~

暧昧让人受尽委屈
找不到相爱的证据
何时该前进
何时该放弃
连拥抱都没有勇气

暧昧让人变得贪心
直到等待失去意义
无奈我和你
写不出结局
放遗憾的美丽
停在这里

Translated lyrics:

Ambiguity makes people feel wronged
they can't find evidence of love
the right time to get closer, the right time to give up
Can't even bring up the courage to hug one another

I can only accompany you up to here
After all, there are some things that I cannot do
Surpassing friendship, not quite reaching love
It's about to rain in a faraway place

Should I cry?
Is it you or I who thinks too much?
I'm really not convinced and I start to suspect
Is the person in front of me really the same you?

Ambiguity makes people feel wronged
they can't find evidence of love
the right time to get closer, the right time to give up
Can't even bring up the courage to hug one another

Ambiguity makes people greedy
until waiting loses its meaning
I cannot bear the fact that we cannot write out an ending
Let the beauty of regret stop right here

alright i know this song is old. was probably released around five years ago but i just discovered and totally fell in love with it. why? because the lyrics really pierced through my heart when i read it for the first time. not forgetting to mention the music is good. and the singer is pretty!!! rainie yang!!!! aaahhhhhh!!!! although she looks bit different now. more mature perhaps but still looking great. =D

tomorrow is my last paper. and at the moment i really am in no mood to study. where would i start? how would i begin? sighz. i hate exams. especially when they tend to drag on for too long. it's just plain taxing.

but i think i have get my lazy ass off and hit the books then. toodles.

weekend? not so much.

2010-11-13T14:44:00.004+08:00

i think my exam mood has been dragging on for too long. now studying is just plain tiring. all i want right now, is a day free of books, studies and exams. it would do me a world of good. =)

I WANT TO FEEL ON TOP OF THE WORLD!!!! I WANT TO FEEL HAPPY!!!

but somehow i feel my screams of motivation no longer works on my spirit. day by day, i go through life thinking my problems are too trivial to bother people with. scared that they wont listen, afraid that i might be too bothersome.

and i keep waiting for someone who cares enough to offer to lend a shoulder without my asking. hours turn to days. days turn to years. and i'm still here (i quote Longview on that). when will i get past the wall i've built around my heart?

perfect people

2010-11-10T11:47:00.007+08:00

some people are born perfect. with talents to go with it. like her.

rainie yang cheng lin. she is my latest subject of...erm, well, not obsession but more like a study. she's been in the entertainment industry for ten years now. and she's just 26. ish. but i know she worked really hard to achieve what she has today so i think she deserves it. but without being born with her good looks, i think it's hard to make it no matter how hardworking she is. so kudos to people who ends up on the deep end of the gene pool.

watching pretty people like her make me look into the mirror and say...WTF?

within temptation ftw!

2010-11-02T16:25:00.006+08:00

Sparkling angel I believe
You were my savior in my time of need.
Blinded by faith I couldn't hear
All the whispers, the warnings so clear.
I see the angels,
I'll lead them to your door.
There's no escape now,
No mercy no more.
No remorse cause I still remember

The smile when you tore me apart.
You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they'd turn into real.
You broke a promise and made me realize.
It was all just a lie.

Sparkling angel, I couldn't see
Your dark intentions, your feelings for me.
Fallen angel, tell me why?
What is the reason, the thorn in your eye?
I see the angels,
I'll lead them to your door
There's no escape now
No mercy no more
No remorse cause I still remember

The smile when you tore me apart
You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they'd turn into real.
You broke a promise and made me realize.
It was all just a lie.
Could have been forever.
Now we have reached the end.

This world may have failed you,
It doesn't give you reason why.
You could have chosen a different path in life.

The smile when you tore me apart.
You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they'd turn into real.
You broke a promise and made me realize.
It was all just a lie.
Could have been forever.
Now we have reached the end.

this is one song i will always adore no many how many times i listen to it. cool video clip too. =)

on a side note, now that i'm done with all my presentations and project, maybe i should concentrate on my studies instead of thinking about you all the time. seriously, my feelings for you can be so seasonal and unpredictable. >.<

oh no

2010-10-24T14:59:00.003+08:00

this is such a bad time to be ill. but then again, is there ever a good time to be ill? sighz. my nose is blocked and i can't breath...sobs.

nice blues artist

2010-10-19T23:18:00.004+08:00

You're the closest I've been
To letting someone in
With potential to break my heart

Youre the closest I've come
To opening up
And letting go before I think to stop

This is me telling you what I can't say
But everything I want to

I want to run to the edge
Throw caution to the wind
Part of life is risking it all
I want to never forget
Everything that I felt
In that second of a spark

Youre the closest I've had
To a love I thought might last
And someone that I'd be lost without

This is me telling you what I can't say
But everything I want to

I want to run to the edge
Throw caution to the wind
Part of life is risking it all
I want to never forget
Everything that I felt
In that second of a spark

In a whirlwind I don't want to calm down
It's a surge of emotions controlling me now
And all I want is this moment to live with me now

I want to run to the edge
Throw caution to the wind
Part of life is risking it all
I want to never forget
Everything that I felt
In that second of a spark

This is me telling you what I can't say
But everything I want to

just don't

2010-10-16T14:18:00.002+08:00

i got reminded again about how much i love working alone. ish. why can't some poeple take the initiative to do things without others pushing them. rawr. i am getting totally fed up at the moment.

ugh

2010-10-10T22:18:00.001+08:00

this is killing me. some people can be so inconsiderate.

kong yew turns 21!

2010-10-04T00:07:00.004+08:00

kong yew turns 21. i never thought i'd have this much fun at the dinner party. i thought it would be just a dinner to talk and hang out. little did i know that he planned it at KL Hilton. posh hotel. lolz. the food was great. the company was amazing. we had a fantastic time bitching about a common friend. lolz. i managed to snatch some photos off of kongyew's facebook album. so here goes.
the group of friends who attended the birthday bash at the lobby.
same group of people. but this time around in the hotel restaurant.

yeap. the classic four. all the way from primary school. =)

the main course i had. fyi, the dinner was actually buffet-styled but it includes a main course from the kitchen (and guess what, this plate of stuffed chicken breast costs 118. lolz). too bad we were too busy eating all the stuff from the buffet table to snap a picture of the food there.
another shot of my stuffed chicken breast. what a portion for 118 bucks. but it tasted superb. very tender meat. =)
a blurry snapshot of me and kongyew's sister. who was also my junior in high school. who is a name stealer =p (we share almost the same chinese name and the exact same english name...the only real difference is our surname.)
not forgetting to thank kongyew's mom who organized (and paid!) for the whole dinner party. i wonder how much it costs her this time. and of course, his little brother is super cute with his braces. =p i always have a thing for people with braces. lolz.

so yeah. we took like over 200 pictures that night but i don't intend to let anyone tag me in it coz i look like a mess. lolz. anyways, i enjoyed myself that night. if it werent for the tiring afternoon i had, i would be reaching home a lot later than 1.00am. =p

so happy 21st kongyew. i hope you enjoyed your night as much as i did. =)

beautiful...

2010-09-28T21:40:00.002+08:00

You by the light
Is the greatest find
In a world full wrong you're the thing that's right
Finally made it through the lonely to the other side

You said it again my heart's in motion
Every word feels like a shooting star
I'm at the edge of my emotions
Watching the shadows burning in the dark,
And I'm in love and I'm terrified.
For the first time in the last time
In my only life.

This could be good
It's already better than last
And love is worse than knowing
You're holding back
I could be all that you needed
If you let me try

You said it again my hearts in motion
Every word feels like a shooting start
I'm at the edge of my emotions
Watching the shadows burning in the dark
And I'm in love and I'm terrified
For the first time in the last time
in my only

I only said it cause i mean it
I only mean it cause it's true
So don't you doubt what i've been dreaming
Cause it fills me up and holds me close
Whenever i'm without you

You said it again my hearts in motion
Every word feels like a shooting star
Watching the shadows burning in the dark
And I'm in love and I'm terrified
For the first time in the last time
In my only life

life
life

In my only life

I fell in love with this song when I heard it for the first time. What beautiful lyrics. Katharine McPhee has an amazing voice. =)

On a side note, I am so dead for tomorrow's test. Sighz.

lanterns and mooncakes

2010-09-22T19:37:00.003+08:00

happy mid autumn festival! and for once in a very very special moon, i am not ranting my heart out. lolz.

actually this day is just another day for me for the past 20 years of my life. i didnt see its significance whenever it came around. but this year, i happen to be in uni when it arrived and i got a call from my mom asking if i would come back. not realizing that's it's today, i said no and thought "that's weird, she knows i only come back on weekends."

and then i logged on to facebook and saw all my friend's wishes and immediately regretted saying no to my mom. so i planned a quiet trip home to suprise her. but before i started my journey home, i got another call from her and i let it slip past my big big mouth. sighs. so much for the suprise. she was glad i came home anyways. lolz. she is such a family type.

well, so here i am, home in the middle of a week full of assignments, lectures and tutorials. i've been missing home. i should make the best out of my time here. toodles.

rubbish

2010-09-17T12:22:00.001+08:00

this semester is full of rubbish and idiotic lecturers. i wish the end would come quick. i am seriously beginning to hate studying.

the nth time

2010-09-11T23:26:00.002+08:00

i dont know how many times i've written about feeling ugly and lonely. but since there is no one i can turn to, i guess my blog is my only friend as usual.

i attended a wedding dinner today. and all the time, i kept getting compared to my sister, who is obviously thinner, fairer and has straighter hair...oh, not forgetting to mention, a better fashion sense. then i got compared to my cousins who wore more elaborate dresses and make up. even my mom told me i should have dressed better. she made me feel like i was embarrassing her. my own mother wouldnt even accept me for how i look like. it broke my heart to hear her say that. i wanted to tell her that if i was such a humiliation to her, she should just take my sister everywhere and leave me well alone. it's not my fault that i turned out this way. if it would make her and myself feel better, i would have chosen either to go for plastic surgery or death (at least the world doesnt have to bear with me and my emoness anymore).

so much for looking at beauty from within. i can be all that they want and still fall short of being good. i should just hide my face from the world and spare them the agony of facing me then. or wear a mask when i go out. seriously, my beauty-self-esteem cannot take another beating. i'm already on the edge and a light shove may just very well send me jumping over it.

holiday rant

2010-09-08T19:50:00.006+08:00

should i be worried? am i allowed to do so?

what would run through their minds? how would i feel?

will it tip the scale? will i fall flat on my face?

why is my rationale fighting with my emotions?

all this wondering is taking its toll.

i can feel my mind slipping out of my hands.

is there anybody out there, who can rescue my sanity?

who knew it'd be this hard to feel loved.

who knew it'd be this difficult to gain acceptance.

these insecurities have haunted me long enough.

now, all i need is some comfort and a kind of closure.

until then, all i am is a cauldron of negativity.

secret much...

2010-09-03T01:10:00.002+08:00

I'm not pretty, smart, or popular.

I'm not fat, ugly or have a "bad taste" in clothes.
I don't fail my classes.
I don't cut myself or do drugs or smoke or drink.

But sometimes I wish I did, because maybe then someone would realize that inside, I'm dying as much as the girl with scars on her arms.

This is a post from Six Billion Secrets posted by a girl who called herself "alone". I thought it was interesting because somehow I could relate to it.

My message to "alone" : you're not quite alone when it comes to feeling that way. be strong. one day, someone will come to your rescue.

so...

2010-08-29T16:20:00.007+08:00

Love of my life, my soulmate
You're my best friend
Part of me like breathing
Now half of me is left

I don't know anything at all
Who am I to say you love me
I don't know anything at all
& who am I to say you need me

Color me blue I'm lost in you
Don't know why I'm still waiting
Many moons have come & gone
Don't know why I'm still searching

Don't know anything at all
& who am I to say you love me
I don't know anything at all
& who am I to say you need me

Hmmm hmmm mmm
Uhhh oohhh aahhh
Hooo aahhh ohh ohhh

Now you're a song I love to sing
Never thought it feels so free
Now I know what's meant to be
& that's okay with me

But who am I to say you love me
& who am I to say you need me
& who am I to say you love me

Mmmm Hmmm

I don't know anything at all
& who am I to say you love me
I don't know anything at all
& who am I to say you need me
I don't know anything at all

I don't know anything at all
I don't know anything at all
I don't know anything at all

This is how I feel right now. Who am I to you? I feel so insignificant. I'm so tempted to tell you. I've been keeping this inside my head for too long. I'm starting to break. Sobs.

oh my...

2010-08-26T20:51:00.006+08:00

yes! finally. the long awaited long weekend is here. microprocessor assignment is done. first tests for all subjects are over. a two week mid-semester break is coming up. i got some money from my lecturer today just by being a blabbing monkey in front of the class.

just had a great dinner with the girls from my course. heading out to my favourite hangout spot tomorrow with some coursemates. might be crashing waves at sunway lagoon on monday. oh man. at the moment, i am appreciating life as it is.
the only thing missing is you by my side. you'd complete my happiness.

but oh well. i've never been this close to appreciating my life. i guess i better make the best out of it somehow. toodles.

i just don't...

2010-08-24T00:08:00.005+08:00

sometimes...no...actually most times i don't get you. all i wanted was to spend time with you. but you keep pushing me away every single time. i dont know what to expect from you now. i've tried so many times in so many ways and all i get is the same answer. i'm so close to giving up on you. but i know i'd be pulled right back in the moment you start being nice to me.

so tell me. will i ever have the chance to even sit down and have a simple but fun chat with you? i wish you'd tell me because at least i can stop hoping. that way, i wouldn't have to go through countless disappointments.

there are so many questions i want to ask, but afraid of the answer. so many things i want to tell, but afraid of the outcome.

sighz. i've always been unlucky in love. why should you be any different from the rest? =(

survivor?

2010-08-20T19:00:00.004+08:00

can i survive this semester? this semester seems to make hell look like playland. sobs. i am so scared. but to be honest, who will be a survivor this semester? everyone seems to have given up hope.

i want to scream out loud. i want to escape this life. i want to find my perfect moment. sighz.

sighz. now i have to go and crack my brain over stuff i complete dont understand. toodles.

course night...

2010-08-16T20:31:00.004+08:00

i'm too lazy to write a long post so i'm gonna make it as simple as possible.

yesterday was the day i had my course night. as usual, i had to wear a dress with heels and light make up. i'm just lucky i didnt trip wearing those heels. but i learned something though. i would never ever drive wearing heels again. my feet were killing me by the time i got home around midnight. phew. at least i made it back without crashing the car.

the night was pretty so-so. i meant, i love the picture taking moments and the camwhore sessions. but other than that, it was pretty normal. i hung out with my normal bunch of friends and watched our juniors play games.

*my bright orange shawl blended right in with the background. cool eh?*

well, i was all dressed up, wearing make-up and accessories. one would think i'd feel beautiful that night. but i didn't. instead i just felt small around surrounded by other pretty girls in the ballroom. i almost felt ashamed for showing my face. but i thank paul for his fb comment on my status that made me feel pretty for one short moment. sighz.

on a side note, i was thinking of some other stuff all along so i was pretty distracted at some point during the event. sighz. however, there were no regrets about attending the course night. it was fun while it lasted.

p.s. : missing you.

my heart

2010-08-11T20:19:00.004+08:00

i know i shouldnt be thinking of you after all i went through to put you behind me

you came closer and closer, ignited my cold dead heart and now i need you as much as i need air. but i know you will never be there long enough to promise me anything. did i make it that easy to walk in and out of my life?

you were not supposed to mean so much to me. but now that you do, i cannot find it in my heart to let you go.

you have my heart in your hands,you're moving forward without a backward glance. you have no idea what you're putting me through, don't you know i feel lost without you.

should i?

2010-08-09T21:09:00.004+08:00

sighz. course night (or i'd rather call it prom night...) is this weekend. and i really dont feel like going for it. i dont like wearing dresses or high heels or putting on make up. well, it's not because i dont like...more like no matter what i do to myself i still feel like the ugly duckling while other girls transform themselves into swans.

i know most guys' definition of pretty is tall, slim, fair and long straight hair. clearly i dont fit into that category. never did and probably never will. my self esteem is running lower and lower as i write this. this is what i feel like.

this is how my girl friends appear to me.

sobs. will i ever feel beautiful? will i be able to accept myself as i am? sighz.

pc fair. nice.

2010-08-08T15:09:00.003+08:00

just got back from the pc fair. it was really crowded and i'm got a little claustrophobic. but it was fun while it lasted.

i'm currently tired but satisfied. next time, i think i am going to drive there. public transport is not for me. =p

my main reason for my trip to the PC Fair. i think it will be my main reason to attend PC Fair in the years to come. i think next year i am gonna get myself a new external hard drive. my tv shows database is expanding rapidly. =p

i'm gonna get some rest now. toodles.

laid back day

2010-08-05T14:17:00.003+08:00

this week has to be one of the most relaxing week in terms of classes. but certain subjects still frustrate me to no end though. sighz.

i came across a page on facebook which describes life. the equation goes a little like this...

L.I.F.E. = Living Isn't F*cking Easy

and i guess i have to agree with that. things are getting so much harder now. sighz. *emo*

venting out

2010-07-30T23:48:00.003+08:00

feeling down, disappointed and neglected. sobs. and this is the only place i come to when i need to feel better because there's always no one around to lend an ear...or a shoulder to cry on for that matter.

for chocz

2010-07-29T00:10:00.005+08:00

Chocz,this is for you.

What you got if you ain't got love?
The kind that you just wanna give away
It's okay to open up
Go ahead and let the light shine through

I know it's hard on a rainy day
You wanna shut the world out
And just be left alone
But don't run out on your faith

'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands

And when you figure out
Love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small

It's so easy to get lost inside
A problem that seems so big at the time
It's like a river that's so wide
It swallows you whole

While you're sitting around thinking 'bout what you can't change
And worrying about all the wrong things
Time's flying by, moving so fast
You better make it count 'cause you can't get it back

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands

Oh, and when you figure out
Love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small!

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands

And then you figure out
Love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Oh, it sure makes everything else
Seem so small

There you go. I was thinking of you when this song came around and I thought you could use the motivation. Don't know if it helps but it's worth a try. Don't lose faith. I know the past few weeks have been tough on you...having to juggle between classes, activities, etc etc....take things one step at a time alrights. Hope some home-time will do you a world of good. =)

Toodles.

officialy back in serdang

2010-07-26T16:15:00.002+08:00

today...is officially my first day of being back serdang. the past two weeks doesnt really count because i have been travelling to and fro from home. and to be honest, if it werent for late-night discussions, i would have opted to stay home for the next three years of my course.

but i know there are going to be days when discussions last till past midnight and there will definitely be long breaks in between classes, so being wise and everything, i chose to rent a room. it's quite okay here so far. no problems just yet. at least this place is better than staying in that damned college.

i even brought a car with me. actually, the car was the reason for moving out. it's just so inconvenient to travel around without. now that i can head home pretty much anytime i want, i dont feel so homesick leaving home. i wonder what will happen to me if i get transferred overseas. lolz.

but friends have been great here. the girls are pretty much the definition of fun for me in serdang. back in pj my idea of fun is hanging out in the living room watching tv. =p

i hope this semester will be as great as the others through. to my coursemates (especially the girls), let's have fun while it lasts okies?

wow.

2010-07-18T10:43:00.006+08:00

She has such an amazing voice. I am so in love with this song. =)

Gah!

2010-07-11T17:07:00.002+08:00

today is officially the first day of a new semester. i think i have mentioned before that i am not very adaptable to changes and most certainly not that sociable when it comes down to it. i had already gotten used to the working environment. i miss walking into the office. i miss having lunches with the girls in the office. and now it's all gone. sighz. generally i think i just miss my semester break. i sort of wished it would never end. and then there's a problem of housemates. they all seem to know each other fairly well and me..? i'm like a stranger in the house. thank heavens for a home that is always close by and i can go home anytime i want. now i just hope that the college problems will sort itself out. sighz. someone save me.

a mirage to be forgotten?

2010-07-05T20:57:00.003+08:00

i don't want to be a mirage. i do not want to be seen only when desperation hits. i want to be wanted just as i am. i thought of the past and wondered how much i've changed over the years. and the answer that bounced back on my head was...not much really.

i am still forgotten, not all that important and invisible to everyone. i feel like i am carrying a world's worth of sadness on my shoulders.

p.s.: someone gave me a number to the befrienders kl. sighz. i am not suicidal alrights. just very upset at being treated this way.

2010-06-28T20:52:00.003+08:00

Every time you go
I'm in the shadows
Everyday you know
The pain inside grows

Without you i lose the way
Fall apart, go insane
Used to be hiding inside the TV
Lately that's not really workin for me

No one with anything to say
Not to me, not to me
On and on and on
The days drone

I need a song

What to do
Tell me what i gotta do
I cant sustain
Not the way i'm missing you
So i turn the radio up
Looking for a melody
But nobody's singing to me

Its a blur don't remember what i heard
You say goodbye now i don't know where to turn
So i turn the radio up
Thinking i'm gon 'find relief
But baby nobody's singing for me

Every night i'm just a victim of the silent
Nothing there to help
I tell you love is violent
Hurts more and more with each day
If you are asking me
The price is pain

Use to be that i could call on my DJ
Tell him what it is that he could play play play
Play those words, i wanna sing along
Make me feel, nothing is wrong

What to do
Tell me what i gotta do
I cant sustain
Not the way i'm missing you
So i turn the radio up
Looking for a melody
But nobody's singing to me

Its a blur don't remember what i heard
You say goodbye now i don't know where to turn
So i turn the radio up
Thinking i'm gon' find relief
But baby nobody's singing...

One word, to take away this hurt
Waiting for one dream
To bring you back to me

I need a song
What to do
Tell me what i gotta do
I cant sustain ?
Now the way I'm missing you
So i turn the radio up
Looking for a melody
But nobody's singing to me

Its a blur don't remember what i heard
You say goodbye now i don't know where to turn
So i turn my ipod up
Thinking i'm gon' find relief
But baby nobody's singing for me

What to do
Tell me what i gotta do
I cant sustain
Not the way i'm missing you
So i turn the radio up
Looking for a melody
But nobody's singing to me

Finally, an Asian who managed to penetrate the American music industry. I'm so proud of Charice.

These days...I don't what got into me. My moodswings are pretty erratic and it's fluctuations are clouding my judgements. There are times when I think that certain people are alright and bearable...even nice. Then the next second, I end up getting annoyed at them and wished they were gone. I think my lack of social life has ruined my abilities to completely accept people. I need to find more friends and hang out more often. =P

falling asleep with my eyes open

2010-06-16T20:13:00.002+08:00

i'm bored. and a little lonely. someone save me. sobs.

and i need to get my mind off some people. sighz.

toodles.

tiresome

2010-06-05T14:07:00.007+08:00

phew. i just finished spring cleaning my room. i never knew staying clean and neat required so much effort and energy. just today i washed the washroom and bathroom, sterilized my room and vacuumed the house. being the eldest daughter of my family, i have the responsibility to be the second mother of the house. frankly, im tired of taking care of people. i don't know how mothers do it. maybe it's the love for their family that keeps them strong. but i know somehow, all women out there gets tired every once in a while.

guys out there should be thankful. i didnt mean to sound like a sexist, but i am a feminist. i believe that females out there, especially working mothers, should be appreciated for what they do. being in an engineering course, my coursemates are mostly guys...and i can see quite a few who doesn't know how to treat a girl right. i know i maybe a bit manly and all, but i wish to see someone who truly knows how to act around girls...like the "sweet guy". lolz i am still thinking of him. i hope soo yee will find him a job that will ease him out of his financial troubles.

now that i am done with ranting about housechores, i want to rant about my workplace. this week was hectic and rushed because it's the first week of the month. and i have to cram in about 80 employees' salary processing. man, it was exhausting. rushing here and there, calling from one end to the other. things were just...stressful.and then my seniors in the office came up with a ten-day trial of not being negative. and that meant not being able to emo for at least 10 days. sighz. i think i failed it the moment it started. lolz. i just hope next week would be a little more laid back. and i have two dinners to attend. hopefully i wont grow fatter and fatter throughout my break. i feel myself rounding up already. sobs.

wow i didnt realize i wrote that much in such a short time. i guess i just had a lot to let out. if you have reached this far, thanks lots. till the next post.

ps: i miss you.

camp not-so-extreme

2010-05-30T13:10:00.003+08:00

so i just came back from a camp yesterday night. honestly, i really thought i was going to dread the camp. one major factor that made it so dreadful at first was because of my body timing. it rendered me tired and lethargic. but when the dull ache passed, i was actually having a lot of fun. met lots of new people, did some rock climbing and abseiling. generally, it was just great. i didnt regret going for it as i thought i would. it wasnt as extreme as i imagined it to be too. but awesome nonetheless. =)

i felt like a different person in camp. though i was quiet and not much of an interactor with my teammates, but i manage to forget about emoing and managed to get a few new friends along the way. im thankful for kay tze's sister, pik tze for being such a drama queen. such an entertaining character. =p last but not least, thanks kay tze for making me sign up for this. but don't ever think of dragging me to another for a long time. lolz.

the "different person" spirit only laste for so long. now that my emo is back, it lashed with a force stronger than before. as if it had been accumulating while being forgotten for the past two days. now i have to wrap my head around so many identity issues. sighz. =(

for once, i met a nice guy

2010-05-22T00:03:00.004+08:00

the weekend is here again. thank goodness. i think i am about to break down from the fatigue work has caused me. but today was a little speacial than the rest.

it was during lunch hour and my colleagues had planned to have a small party for one malay girl who was leaving. so i stayed in during lunch hour doing work which includes picking up calls. i happened to pick up a call from a job candidate (i work in an employment agendy by the way) asking for directions to my office.

i had to tell him to call for me if he needs any more directing. he called maybe twice or thrice to get the place right. and guess what was the first thing he did when he waltz into the office, he looked for me, shook my hand and said thank you. then he gave me a bottle of soya bean for all my "troubles" to get him to the right place. and later i found out that he had walked from the train station to my office, saved the busfare to buy me that bottle of soya bean. how sweet. and he doesnt even know me. sobs. why can't the guys around me be like that huh?

anyways, after handing me my drink and filling up some forms, he was sent away because he came to early for the appointment. the moment he stepped out of the door, the news about my "sweet guy" spread around and i became the butt of everyone's jokes. lolz. when he came back from his walk, everyone stood up to get a good look at him, one started pushing me towards him. i was so embarrased. at the end of the day all was fine. i think they got over it pretty soon. but he will definitely be remembered for his gesture. i think guys like him are hard to find. but i am lucky to have met him today. =)

i can never be satisfied

2010-05-16T22:17:00.003+08:00

last week: i was complaining about not having anything to occupy my mind with. present: i got a job back at my old company, and i am dreading work like it's a trip to devil's island. sighz. i don't know why i can never be satisfied.

but i think i roughly know the reason why i am dreading this so much. i am sitting next to my boss. which is terribly stressful if you ask me. if i don't have enough work to keep me busy, it looks bad to him. but if i have too much work on my hands, i don't know how to prioritize. and on top of it all, my grandma decided to move back to ipoh to take care of my injured aunt, leaving all the housechores to either me or my mom. sighz. with my grandma gone and my not-so-laid-back working environment, i feel like quitting my job to mind the housechores. but that's just a thought. it's typical of me to be fickle.

i am dreading tomorrow. i hate mondays. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

my 200th post...and it's an angry one.

2010-05-11T16:31:00.005+08:00

i'm so pissed. it's just frigging hard to please two sides at once.i agreed to something my friends suggested, on the grounds that it would make it a little easier for them (i have to fork out my own money for it). maybe it could be a little easier on my parents too, because it might save them some hassle and energy. but when i told my parents about what i did, things got really phucked up. apparently, they didnt understand why i had made such a stupid move. i was forced to change my decision. the very same friends whom i tried to help turned on me because of the change of heart even though i stated that they'd still be getting their money back. so now instead of getting two happy sides, i get two angry sides who are more than happy to screw me up for my bad decisions.

damn it. this wouldn't have happened if i didn't think of making anyone's life easier. i really thought i was going to do something good. and look where it landed me. right smack in the middle of a volcano.

friend is complaining about a wasted thing (how does it appear wasted to you? you're not the one paying for it. besides, i said i will put it to use one way or another. proves you haven't been listening ). parents refusing to accept the thing because it is no longer "new".

so now what? try to make amends even though i'm still pretty pissed. my plan now is to make both sides happy. friend doesn't want the thing to go to waste (even though you're not paying for it)...so alright, i will try to convince my parents accept the damned thing. parents refusing to pay (or let me pay for that matter)...fine, i will pay friend back without them knowing. hopefully the plan works out and not end in a bloodbath. sighz. i just hope a happy ending comes out of this.

see? i am the one who ends up tangled in a weave of white lies. sighz. i really should stop the bad habit of being nice.

but i think i can still see problems bubbling in the horizon. damn.

save me

2010-05-05T21:38:00.005+08:00

the days are getting harder to live through knowing that i will never be important to you. sighz.

oh, have i ever mentioned how many sleepless nights i've been through for you?

all i needed was to know that i am not invisible. that i can be somebody too. not just someone who blends into the background. is it too much to ask for?

but i don't know how long can i keep waiting for a better day. sighz.

i'm at a loss for words now. i don't know how to go on with this post. guess i'll just have to end it here.

officially rotting

2010-04-30T11:06:00.003+08:00

i am finally done with my exams. actually my last paper was on monday, and i left for malacca the following day.

i had lots of fun in malacca. i dont know why but i find this a lot better than last semester's genting trip. maybe it's the convenience of having private transportation and a lot of good food. and oh, of course the people who went made it a lot more fun too. thanks coursemates. =)

now that i am done with malacca, i am planning to conquer penang and ipoh. sighz. with all these good food around, how am i suppose to lose weight? i had made losing weight a holiday mission. but now with all these trips, weekly outings and an upcoming job, where will i find the time to resume my jogging routine and to join kay tze for her badminton games? sighz. so much to arrange. bleh. =p

while waiting for my job to come around, i am officially rotting at home with nothing to do. my holiday life carries out in the same damn pattern everytime. the first day of holiday would be spent rejoicing in the splendour of free time. and then the days following those would be filled with boredom. i think university life has gotten everyone used to being occupied, and the sudden halt in brain activites make people restless. thus, making them more vulnerable to boredom. sighz.

think i'll stop here. toodles.

ps: i miss you so much.

why does it always have to be you?

2010-04-23T15:36:00.003+08:00

these days, i've been pretty busy. i suppose you are too. i haven't been seeing you much. and i miss seeing your face in the midst of the crowd. even though we hardly talk. all these stress emanating from studies and the pressure to perform only made me miss you more. because having your face in my mind was the only way to keep myself sane. i thought the mad rush of cramming would wipe you off my mind. clearly, it backfired.

lately i have developed a habit of going through your photos. it's the only way i get to see you. i'm not obsessing over you. i'm just head over heels for you. and i wonder how i am going to get through weeks of not seeing you.

it's been a year. time is zooming by. and i'm still here waiting. and our time is getting shorter and shorter. sighz.

Gimme a reason
Why I'm feeling so blue
Everytime I close my eyes, all I see is you
Gimme a reason
Why I can't feel my heart
Everytime you leave my side, I just fall apart

And when you're fast asleep, I wonder where you go
Can you tell me, I wanna know

Because I miss you
And this is all I wanna say
I guess I miss you, beautiful
These three words have said it all
You know I miss you
I think about you when you're gone
I guess I miss you, nothing's wrong
I don't need to carry on

Gimme a reason
Why I can't concentrate
The world is turning upside down
Spinning round and round
Gimme a reason
Why I now understand
The beauty and simplicity of everything surrounding me

You got a way of spreading magic everywhere
Anywhere I go, I know you're always there
It sounds ridiculous, but when you leave a room
There's a part of me that just wants to follow you too

Because I miss you
And this is all I wanna say
I guess I miss you, beautiful
These three words have said it all
You know I miss you
I think about you when you're gone
I guess I miss you, nothing's wrong
I don't need to carry on

It's such a hard life in most of the time
I'm just surviving
That's why I want you to know
In the world where sincerity has lost its meaning
You fill my world with so much hope

And I miss you
This is all I wanna say
I guess I miss you, beautiful
These three words have said it all
You know I miss you
I think about you when you're gone
I guess I miss you, nothing's wrong
I don't need to carry on

You know I miss you
And this all I wanna say
I guess I miss you, beautiful
These three words have said it all

You know I miss you
And this is all I wanna do
I know it doesn't sound too cool
But maybe I'm in love with you

You know I miss you
And this all I wanna say
I guess I miss you, nothing's wrong
I don't need to carry on

I just miss you
Yeah, it's true
I miss you, baby
And when you're walking out that door
I know I miss you
You make me wanna ask for more
I just miss you
Yeah, it's true
I miss you, baby

yeah it's true. i miss you. well then, i guess there's nothing left to say. tataz.

so why can't it be me?

2010-04-16T11:01:00.005+08:00

don't know why i have been feeling a little shortchanged lately. first off, i ended up missing someone when i really shouldn't have. sighz. why is life so complicated? why can't i stop thinking of you? sighz.secondly, people all around seem to be getting hooked up...or at least trying to.

it amplifies my loneliness even more. yes. friends will say they will be there for me and i trust that they will. but there are times when friendship is not enough to fall back on. there's always something missing. i know i sound a little desperate but im not. i just feel this way when people say being single is better. a few years ago, i might have agreed with them because of the constant fights with my ex. but seeing people being happy with their partners makes me think...maybe i should give it a try again. i want to be happy too. sighz. not that i am unhappy now, it's just that things could be better.

i think i will just have to hold on to my heart until i find someone worth giving it to. ><

toodles.

if you only knew.

2010-04-09T22:31:00.004+08:00

if you only knew how much i miss you,

even though i know you're near,

if only you knew how much it hurts,

to know that you don't trust me enough,

all i wanted is to be by your side,

to make everything alright,

but how can i do that,

when i don't even know what i am fighting?

i wish you'd know all these words in my heart,

there's so much i want to say,

but i cannot really see a way,

to put my feelings in words,

all i can hope for,

is for you to realize that i'm right here.

ps: i know this sounds very cliche, and i might have written something like it over and over, but what can i do when i keep experiencing the same feeling everyday? you have been lingering in my mind for so long. sighz.